I wrote this a couple days ago when a guy said something about my appearance… I ran down to the rec room to get something and he called me sexy. I think he had been drinking, ha ha. But I came back to my room and my mind was in a turmoil, and I hated how those words made me feel… like a piece of meat, or an object, belittled and not valued…
So I wrote this down. “Those words” below doesn’t necessarily refer to “sexy”, could just be “beautiful”…
Okay I’ll stop talking. 🙂
I don’t want to hear those words.
I didn’t realize it til now, but when I dressed this morning, and looked at myself in the mirror as I made sure everything was perfect, I was thinking about those words, and hoping the eyes that saw me would think them, and maybe someone would say them, but now, as you grin at me and say the words I realize I wanted to hear, I just want to cover my ears and run away from your stare.
I wanted those words, I now realize, but I didn’t want them this way. I didn’t want how I looked on the outside – the way the sun shone on my hair and the way everything happened just so to make me look amazing – to draw the words from you, words flowing not from love of my character, but from a lust for my looks. I didn’t want you to say those words that you say to every pretty girl. I want to be special, set apart in your eyes.
Is it too much to ask, that you only look on me that way? When I see that lust and want for me in your eyes, is it too much to ask that I be the only one you desire?
One man, one woman. That’s how You created us, Lord, how You set forth marriage to be.
One man, one woman.
If I keep myself pure for one man – refuse to look on others in a way I should not, even as I now wait for what may never come – is there any guarantee there will be a man out there, waiting for one woman, that will be me?
I have set standards this world laughs at and does not respect. Our claims are opposites and cannot exist together – they claim happiness comes from being free, I hold to God’s promise that there is greater joy in being bound to one man.
You have set me apart, I will be set apart in all that I do. Now ends chasing after meaningless words. Now begins finding my All in You.
Whether or not my one man comes along, who will choose me as his one woman to be bound to him for life, I choose now to wait for him. And to stay pure for him.
eagleinthestorm 