“Job hunting” is almost enough to convince me to act out the expected “norm” of attending college, getting a useful bachelor’s or master’s then taking on jobs that are more careers than a couple months-long gigs… Updating my resume has encouraged me in seeing how much work I’ve been able to obtain in the last couple years… and has also discouraged me since I’ve only worked at every job for 3-4 months.

Today was one of my first free days since returning from Rainier… so I printed out copies of my resume, slipped them in my black leather case, and set out…

There is something about having/not having a job that is connected rather strongly to our opinion of ourselves. I’m only a 19-year old girl, but I feel I have an idea of why fathers expected to be the breadwinners for the family would become so depressed when they are laid off and unable to find work. Not being able to find a job grinds on your self-esteem, making you feel like you’re worthless – especially if you have a wife and family counting on you! I remember when I got the job at Subway. I instantly felt like I could hold my head higher, like when I walked down the street I could do it with an inner confidence.

Donald Miller has the Lifeboat Theory which suggests that since we are disconnected from God, the one that tells us we are worth something, we therefore constantly seek out verifications of our worth from others, jobs, lovers, popularity, etc. I was amazed at the rush of affirmation and value the job gave to me.

Similarly, today when I walked around walking in doors, shaking hands, and passing out my resume, every time I left a business the same thought filled my mind – ‘I hate job hunting.’ It grinds on me in a way nothing else does, because it’s like I’m walking around asking every business, “Am I worth something to you? Am I valuable?” And usually, the answer is a polite smile and the inaudible answer “No.” Not because I really am worthless, just because…. they’re not hiring right then.

Job hunting is a terrible ordeal, but as it breaks me down it’s also a reminder to me that my value is not found in how others see me. The only one who can give me any worth is my God, and when He looks at me He sees Jesus. He sees me as perfect and precious, and nothing I do can change that.

Good news. 🙂

Job hunting is also slowly teaching me what sort of jobs I want to pursue. More specifically, when I was in Redmond Town Center and walking by Macy’s, American Eagle, and all those fancy clothing stores with impossible skinny manikins, I have no desire whatsoever to be involved in any of that.

On our bus trip, we mostly stayed in Walmart parking lots, and that gave us a feeling like all anyone ever does in America is shop. Buy things. Including our family. This culture is so centered around consumerism, I want nothing to do with that. Slowly I’m eliminating what sort of places I don’t want to work at:

Anything involving computer and technology – I spend enough time with electronics as is, I don’t want everything in my life to be centered around it

Anything involving clothes, dressy, unnecessary things…

Hopefully through this gradually growing list of things I definitely don’t want to be involved in, I’ll figure out what I do want to do. 🙂